The Hallololololowed Ed

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The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Spikender on Thu Mar 12, 2015 4:13 pm

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3917915/1/The-Hallowed-Ed

Chapter One: BorEd Stiff

Eddy sat outside of his house, hella bored. Ed was sick with some incurable disease from making out with his Baron O' Beefdip toy again and only had a few days to live, and it's not like Eddy was going to pay him a visit or anything. Edd was busy with some kind of invention which translated to "I am a lonely guy whose only solace is staring at anatomy books". So Eddy resigned himself to sitting there, drool running down his chin and pooling between his legs, making it look like he had pissed himself like a two year old. There has to be something I can do now that I've run out of tissue paper... maybe I can hang out with somebody? Eddy began to think of people he could "chill" with, not in the Mr. Freeze kind of way but in the cool kind of way without quotation marks. Jimmy? Gay. Sarah? I'd turn gay. Jonny? Has more imaginary friends than I have real friends. Kevin? Asswipe. Rolf? A little too friendly with his animals. Nazz? Probably thinks I'm a little too friendly with Ed and Double D. The Kankers? Maybe in four years when I'm desperate and they have me pinned down in the woods. Eddy began to realize how much of an absolute loser he was, but found comfort that he was still cooler than Ed or Edd. Oh well, maybe I have some extra tissue paper in that old sports equipment box in my room...

Eddy paced outside for a few moments as he tried to remember what it was that he had just decided to do, but then snapped his fingers when his drug-addled mind finally remembered.  Tissue paper... Sports Box! Eddy ran into his room and rummaged through his closet, tossing aside a jar of quarters, threatening notes from his brother, and crusty magazines. Crap I forgot, I don't own any sports equipment. Eddy resigned himself to defeat as he banged his fist against the wall of his closet, causing a baseball to fall off the top shelf and hit him on his head. Eddy, fueled by his agony at being alone, was about to kick the object, but saw that it was his old baseball. "Huh, guess I do own sports equipment," he commented to himself before bending over and picking it up. He thought about getting a baseball bat and playing by himself, but, realizing that would make him look like an even bigger loser, decided to just chuck the baseball at Kevin.

Eddy walked into his backyard and peeked over the fence into Kevin's yard. He spotted Kevin checking himself out in a huge full-body mirror, and reared back in disgust as Kevin oiled up his arms and kissed his reflection. "Reality check incoming," Eddy commented to himself before hardballing the baseball right at Kevin's head. It smacked him hard in the noggin and made him smash his face against the mirror, causing it to shatter and causing shards of glass to explode all over Kevin, cutting gashes all over his frail pre-teen body.

"What the heck, Eddy?!" Kevin yelled as he whirled around to see the midget laughing at him. "You could've killed me scumdork!"

"Welcome back to reality, John Cena!" Eddy responded before blowing a raspberry.

"When I'm done rearranging your face, you're gonna look like John Kerry!" Kevin exploded from his mouthhole before charging Eddy like a roided-up sumo wrestler.

"S***!" Eddy screamed before jumping his fence and running across the cul-de-sac.

"Come back here assdork!" Kevin exclaimed as he gave chase, ignoring the blood oozing from his frail pre-teen body. Eddy took a peek behind him and saw Kevin gaining on him fast, and he dropped a load in his pants before running slam into the side of a parked van. Eddy fell to the ground and promptly regretted not saving any tissue paper to wipe his ass clean. Kevin slowed his charge to a crawl and walked over to Eddy's bruised body.

"How did you not see that van blinddork?" Kevin asked.

"I'm l-legally blind b-but glasses are for losers..." Eddy choked out as the stench from his underoos finally reached his nostrils.

"My mom wears glasses rudedork," Kevin responded.

"I don't give a f*** about your mom. Now I have to go home and take a shower thanks to you. Day ruined," Eddy stated as he felt the warmth growing in his trousers.

"Well I guess you could say... I threw a WRENCH in your plans!" Kevin quipped before pulling a wrench out and dropping it on Eddy's face. He then limped away to call the hospital. Eddy then picked himself up, his face sore from the chrome wrench and his booty sore from the brown drench, and headed home. He threw himself onto his bed and yawned, but then quickly cursed when he realized he just stained his bedsheets.

---

Eddy jumped out of his bed. He just had the worst, most horrible, most disturbing, most disgusting, most revolting nightmare he had ever had... he was Double D. Eddy sighed, relieved it was all just a dream. But he had to be sure so he decided to go to Edd's house to make sure they hadn't switched bodies or something instead of doing the logical thing and looking in the mirror. He tried to look at the clock to see what time it was but it was too dark so he ran into the wall a few times before exiting his room and into his house. He took off his poo-stained underwear and pants and wrapped a towel around himself before heading to Edd's crib, but not before raiding his parents' alcohol cabinet just in case he needed some hard liquor if it turned out he really was Double D.

Eddy picked the lock on Edd's door and headed up to his room, but not before also raiding Edd's parents' bathroom to get a bottle of rubbing alcohol in case he really needed to get hammered. He stopped at Edd's door because he heard some strange moaning inside, but decided that if Edd had a girl inside he wanted sloppy seconds. He walked inside to see Edd staring at a strange box through a microscope while moaning. He sighed with relief and walked inside, shutting the door behind him.

"I know you're a science nerd, Double D, but is the sexual groaning necessary?" Eddy asked as he dropped several bottles of alcohol on the floor and popped one open.

"I'm sorry, Eddy, but this is just such a magnificent discovery I just can't help but let my carnal side slip out a bit," he answered as he looked up at Eddy. "Did you defecate on yourself again?"

"Yeah it's a long story, but not as long as the turd I let out, you should've seen that thing," Eddy answered as he took a swig of the poison.

"How long was it exactly?" Edd asked inquisitively.

"Eh, about eight inches," Eddy responded.

"Ah, so you had an encounter with Kevin. I was worried it was a twelve incher, then I might have had to call the rape hotline again," Edd stated before shuddering as thoughts of the Kankers crossed his mind.

"What are you gasping at anyway?" Eddy questioned, wondering why Edd would be ogling a box like a celebrity sex tape.

"I'm glad you asked. I found this glowing crystal out in the middle of the woods and decided to stuff it inside of this box for further study," Edd answered as he stripped off a pair of gloves.

"So you found a possibly radioactive stone in the middle of nowhere and thought it was a good idea to strap on your mom's dish washing gloves, bring it back home, stuff it in a metal box, and then stare at it with a microscope?" Eddy asked.

"Yes, but it was for science!" Edd answered as he got that crazy look in his eyes. Eddy noticed a gigantic red button on the top of the box.

"What does the button do?" Eddy asked.

"Now, before I continue I must tell you I'm not entirely sure of the crystal's purpose and that what I'm about to say is just a hypothesis, but if I had to make an educated guess based on evidence I gathered staring at this box for ten hours straight, I'd say that the crystal inside contains the ultimate evil and that pressing that button would plunge the whole world into darkness," Edd answered proudly as he adjusted an invisible tie.

"Mhmm," Eddy responded as he eyed the box.

"You understand what I'm saying, right Eddy?" Edd questioned as he looked up at Eddy, who had that crazy look in his eyes.

"Yep," Eddy answered before smashing a liquor bottle over Edd's head and pressing the button.

"Eddy, you slopped-forehead neanderthal, what have you done?!" Edd screamed as a darkness flew out of the box and enveloped the two boys, shrouding the entire room in Pitch Black sans Vin Diesel.


Last edited by Spikender on Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Iggy on Thu Mar 12, 2015 4:53 pm

20/10

Too much hilarity.

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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Brimstone Behemoth on Thu Mar 12, 2015 6:06 pm

Spikender wrote:The Kankers? Maybe in four years when I'm desperate and they have me pinned down in the woods.

That foreshadowing to your future fanfiction Forfeit. Still, this was a good read Spike, a nice laugh. You always have been a very entertaining writer, far beyond the normal expectations found for many other EEnE fanfiction writers. I know you're a busy guy nowadays but it would be nice to see your write more EEnE fanfiction again man. It would be far better than the plague of slash and trash on FF.Net.
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by SkullDevil on Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:36 pm

Spike, I have to admit that this is actually the first I've read a fanfic you wrote.

I am mentally slapping myself for not doing this sooner. This is comedy gold.
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Spikender on Fri Mar 13, 2015 2:29 am

Iggy wrote:20/10

Too much hilarity.

Thank you, that means a lot. I'm glad you liked it.

Bleach Behemoth wrote:
Spikender wrote:The Kankers? Maybe in four years when I'm desperate and they have me pinned down in the woods.

That foreshadowing to your future fanfiction Forfeit. Still, this was a good read Spike, a nice laugh. You always have been a very entertaining writer, far beyond the normal expectations found for many other EEnE fanfiction writers. I know you're a busy guy nowadays but it would be nice to see your write more EEnE fanfiction again man. It would be far better than the plague of slash and trash on FF.Net.

I knew you'd like it. I got the idea while I was leaving work so I came home, found my old fanfic, and then rewrote this chapter in thirty minutes.

I've thought about coming back and at least finishing The Twilight Ed, though losing the chapters I wrote pissed me off so I just gave up on it. Maybe I'll go back and see it to its end at last.

SkullDevil wrote:Spike, I have to admit that this is actually the first I've read a fanfic you wrote.

I am mentally slapping myself for not doing this sooner. This is comedy gold.

I've never really advertised my fanfics on The3Eds/Zebunker so I know most people on the forums haven't really seen them. I love that this little thing has gotten a good reception on here.

So that leaves me with two questions that you guys can answer whenever:

1. Should I rewrite more chapters?
2. Should I post this rewrite on Fanfiction.net?

Good day, meatbags.
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by SkullDevil on Fri Mar 13, 2015 2:31 am

I'd definitely want to read more.

It's like if Ed, Edd 'n Eddy was on Adult Swim.
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Spikender on Fri Mar 13, 2015 2:37 am

If you approve, Skulldevil, that's all I need. Let the rewriting continue!

It's not required but this might be funnier if people click the link at the top to read my old fanfic. It actually isn't all on Fanfiction.net, I lost the rest of it after Earth2Edd imploded, but it gets to about 2/3s to the end. Wish I had the rest but if I (Heaven Help me) actually get all the way up to chapter 19, I'll just start pulling stuff out of my ass to continue the rewrite.

Word of warning... the original fanfic is straight serious and is rated K+. Obviously this rewrite is not.
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by Spikender on Tue Jun 02, 2015 7:55 am

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3917915/3/The-Hallowed-Ed

Chapter Two: The Hallololololowed Ed

Eddy's eyes flicked open. The first thing he saw was his hand outstretched and his finger pointing out, like he was pressing something. Eddy withdrew his hand and felt every bone in his entire arm pop and crack like a sheet of bubble wrap. "Dang, gotta work them kinks out," he commented as he rubbed his crusty hands together, now wishing he hadn't wasted all of his lotion back home. He noticed that the box was gone and that the table was charred blacker than Lee's rotten tooth and had scratch marks all over it. He wondered why the heck Edd would light his desk on fire before noticing that the rest of the room was just as fucked up.

The entire room looked like it had been the scene of a circus act gone wrong, with burn marks, sticky notes, and clown shoes strewn about the floor, walls, and ceiling. Double D threw a wild shindig and I wasn't even invited was the first thing to cross Eddy's mind. Edd's bed was trashed, with springs sticking out of it every which way. "Damn, he must've gotten lucky with like eight girls at once to tear it up that bad. What a b****," he cursed, anger at Edd boiling to the surface. Wanting to find his sock-hatted friend to wring his neck, he stormed out of Edd's busted-up doorway and down into the rest of his house.

Eddy ignored the crusty blood-smears running across the walls and the skulls littering the floor as he stepped over a few skeletons, his mind still intent on hunting down Edd. He worked his arthritis-filled fingers, readying them for the coming asphyxiation of his nerdy friend. Eddy looked into Edd's kitchen and saw the microwave cracked open and cans of food laying all over the place; swarms of bugs buzzed around the room picking at ancient rotting food. "Ed must've went sleepwalking again," he observed as he kept moving. Hopefully he went ahead and wolfed down Double D he thought maliciously. As soon as Eddy walked to Edd's front door and peered outside, however, thoughts of murder left his mind and instead he was filled with an absolute sense of dread at what he saw.

The street was torn wide open more than Eddy's britches after a wedgie, and cars and trucks were either overturned or wrecked bumper-to-bumper like a fatal french kiss. Houses were on their last legs and there wasn't a soul in sight. Eddy hoped it was just another Kanker attack that caused this, but then he saw the typical drifting newspapers in the air and knew and it was the apocalypse. "Man I hope this is gonna be like Wall-E and not some Dawn of the Dead s***," he wished aloud as he sat down on Edd's front porch. He wanted to cry about losing all of his friends and family, but the tears wouldn't come because he really didn't give a shit. But when he finally realized he'd never lose his virginity, he started to bawl like a little baby. "F*** you, world, you couldn't leave me a single woman?! I would've even settled for Sarah!" he screamed to the heavens as he buried his dirty face in his filthy hands, tears streaming between his hands and pooling on his pants, making it look like he had pissed himself like a two-year old.

Eddy snapped out of his one man pity party when he heard the sound of a string being drawn back. He looked up and saw a cloaked finger with a bow and arrow in their hands. Eddy yelped and jumped up in surprise, causing the figure to accidentally launch an arrow that flew right between Eddy's legs. "You dumbf***, you almost de-balled me!" he cried as the person grabbed another arrow and pointed it at him.

"Th-That was a warning shot, th-this one will go right in th-the one-eyed snake!" the cloaked figure yelled with a nervous voice. The voice sounded feminine, so a relieved Eddy assumed it was a chick.

Awesome, one chick left. What line should I bust out this time? he thought as he ran through his brother's old pick-up lines in his head, instantly forgetting the threat to his life and the life of lil Eddy.

"If you won't leave th-this Hallowed Ground, th-then at least step away from th-the porch so I can see you before you die!" the person cried, their bow fingers becoming tired.

"Put down the bow, babe, cuz I already have an arrow through my heart," Eddy answered suavely as he stepped off the porch and walked up to the cloaked person, who fumbled the bow and arrow and dropped them at their feet.

"Eddy?" the person asked in disbelief.

"Oh, so you know me, girl?" he replied without missing a beat. "Probably heard about me from your girlfriends who spent all night at the crib with me," he added alluringly as he took the person into his arms.

"Whoa you got it wrong, I'm-"

"No need to tire out that tongue, baby, it'll need all the energy it can get when it meets mine..." he went on lustfully as he pulled back the person's hood and went in for a kiss.

"Eddy it's me!" the person cried as Eddy stopped for a moment to look at their face. They were pale-skinned with small cheekbones, what appeared to be black eye-shadow on, and a ponytail pulled back behind their head.

"I don't know you, girl, but I wanna get to know you," Eddy shot back, not understanding all the resistance to his obvious charm. "What's your name?"

"Jimmy."
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Re: The Hallololololowed Ed

Post by SkullDevil on Tue Jun 02, 2015 1:55 pm

Holy crap, that last part. Laughing

At first I honestly thought it was going to be Merida.
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