Very Important Historic Material (Berserk Ramblings War Fanfic)

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Very Important Historic Material (Berserk Ramblings War Fanfic)

Post by Moneyboy on Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:27 am



Well, in my tired attempt to find anything on my computer that is tied to The3Eds, I discovered this old fic I made shortly after the end of the Berserk Ramblings War--an event which I honestly have very little recollection of, but I can gather clues based on this nonsense I found. Keep in mind this was during a time when it was highly popular to write grimdark super-realistic fics of this meme war Snow White and The Huntsman-style.

Before the fic even begins though, I apparently wrote several Wikipedia-style articles on Dubbel D's Army and the involvement in the war at large. Enjoy this catastrophe:

The Berserk Ramblings War took place in 2008. It was started shortly after Dubbel D’s Empire, a now exiled Nation and Tyranny, refused to cooperate with the warnings and negotiations used by Emperor Colton the Great, as well as several other nations.
In the fall of 2008, Dubbel D’s Empire was invaded by Colton’s embassy. Although the area was thoroughly destroyed, the “Four Elites” (Moneyboy, Double Lexi, Leachim Remsy, and of course, Dubbel D) were never found. Only the Grand Denka CrazyEdGirl, a government official who dealt with the Kevin Slave Tradings, was captured.
Although many people have claimed to have seen or spoken with the Elite Four after their mysterious disappearance, no proof or legal evidence has ever suggested they resurfaced. Even the Grand Denka, now a political prisoner, still continues to insist that she hasn’t a clue…which leaves the citizens of The3Eds to wonder what exactly happened to the “Four Elites".
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Moneyboy, (born Hagen van Noobascious Moneylover Johnson-Jones), and dubbed by the people as “Dubbel D’s Cat”, was the self-proclaimed ruler of “Moneyboy’s Barony”, and was the second-in-command of Dubbel D’s Empire. He was born into a middle-class Tenant Family in Edtropolis, in the land of EdtoEd, but was raised in the great prairies of GreenGrass.  Although Moneyboy was often depicted as less of a tyrant as other Elites, he was at often times the most important.
Moneyboy held several stocks in various Dubbel D organizations, but his largest donations often went to the Kevin Slave Tradings. He was also a land negotiator, and in his reign, he managed to expand the northern barrier of Dubbel D’s Empire an estimated 14,000 miles into the Republic of Heavy.
During Moneyboy’s reign over his self-proclaimed Barony, his citizens despised of him deeply. Their protests and petitions against Money’s form of government is thought by some to be the first sparks of the The3Eds Revolution. When the petition for secession was anonymously accepted by the citizens of Moneyboy’s Barony, Dubbel D issued a common law marriage to him and Double Lexi, the Countess of Spam. This ended the possibility of secession, and Moneyboy’s Barony revolted against him, decreasing the (supporting) population of Dubbel D’s Empire by about 51%
General Scorpion, a soldier under the rule of Tak the Almighty, as well as the ruler over his own republic, claims to have attempted an assassination on Moneyboy shortly before the invasion by Colton’s Embassy. Another attempt, lead by King Toby and T-Ed the Great, using the Banhammer Regime, was also attempted, but only after the invasion. Nobody has ever known whether Moneyboy was ever killed or not.
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Double Vampire Lexi Van Konata Kawaii De’Sue, or just “Double Lexi” was the Countess of Spam in Dubbel D’s Empire, and was given the unofficial title of “Dubbel D’s Dog” Although viewed upon as far less important and much more an annoyance initially, Lexi did much more than people give her credit.
Lexi was a private donator to the Dubbel D threads, as well as a public speaker. Her birth and upbringing in Fadlandia gave her exceptional charismatic skills. It has been speculated by some that her speeches lead to the Colton Revolt in 2007. When her speeches became a danger to rival countries, the Banhammer Regime made it their job to assassinate the Countess. Although injured many times, her assassination attempts were never successful.
After her common law marriage with Moneyboy, Lexi became much more of an asset and a follower. Under the Church Of Anime, she sent much of Berserk Ramblings into theocracy debates, stirring unwanted governmental problems in Colton’s Embassy and Saphic.
Although many have claimed that she has been sparking political debates and rebel rousing  in the The3Eds underworld, nothing can be certain about the whereabouts or afterlife of Double Lexi.

---

Compent de la Trollston, or more commonly known as Sir Compent the Angereier, was once the right-hand man to Dubbel D before his assassination in 2008. His work consisted of  Secretary Of Defense jobs, although his overseer was Dubbel D. It was speculated that he was a follower of Santan, the demon god of pedophilic dwarves, but earlier research shows that  he was a pastor in the Church Of Ann.
Compent’s backstory leaves many holes. Many believe that Compent was born in Toby’s Empire to a wealthy viscount…however, some claims have shown that he could have lived in the Commonwealth of Ragnar. In letters, Compent changes his life story constantly, so we may never know how the troubled boy was raised.
Compent was the “bad cop” in the sense of public speaking. He was rarely assigned any missions, but was always the supporter in each of Double Lexi’s debates. He governed over the Kevintration Kamps with an iron fist, and was said to be the devil’s own child. His terrible reputation had him involved with the Red Squares Mafia, which left him constantly in hiding.
Compent was assassinated by the Banhammer Enforcers during the invasion by Colton’s Embassy. His body currently is laid to rest in the Santan Empire, which has brought on much trouble after Santanists began to worship his corpse, turning the Santan Empire into a Theocracy as well as  Tyranny.
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Lord Jimmy Espionage van de Nerd, more commonly known as “Leachim Remsy” was the head of Hospital and Clinical management in Dubbel D’s Empire. He also paid most of the funding for technological researches and owned many of the Kevintration Kamps. Although many portray him as mostly kind and gentle compared to the other elites, it was revealed that he suffered from spit personality disorder, and often believed himself to be an inhumane being known as “Cleon”. After several years of researching different medication for his ailment, he finally became stable. He was born in Jukelandia, but was raised in several different countries.
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The “Kevin Fad” was the name given to the mass slave trading system that was put into government in Dubbel D’s Empire. The law focused on the enslavement of redheaded citizens in the Empire.
By law, the redheaded boys were all named the same thing, Kevin. Each of the girls were all sent to Kevintration Kamps, where they were beaten, starved, and forced to craft hats and bicycles. These girls were never given names and never appear in any document other than the Dubbel D Legislations.
Each of the Kevins were forced to wear red hats to hide their “soulless” hair. They were also not allowed to use any other transportation other than bikes, and were to refer to the higher classes as “dudes”.
Speculation as to why the Kevins were mistreated like this was never quite answered. Although we have come across many theories:

    In Saphic, it is often believed that after Dubbel D’s and her late wife, Kevin, were borne a hippie for a child, Dubbel D went mad with rage and ordered all redheads to be put into slavery.
    However, those in Unfunnycommentlanda believe the Kevin Fad to be a highly proclaimed act of intimidation from Dubbel D, due to how much the slave number has increased the population of Dubbel D’s Empire.
    In the Forum Games Republic, it is often believed that after Dubbel D accidentally used a spell to brainwash a boy named Kevin into obeying her will, she has been trying to duplicate the spell on redheads ever since.

After the fall of Dubbel D’s Empire, the Kevins were mostly given homes in the disputed land of /br/ and Neutral Provinces under orders from Colton the Great. However, many families have gone into hiding, afraid of the Santan Worshipers, whom also believe redheads to be worthless and soulless.
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AAAAAAND now, for the actual fic. I don't have the full three or so chapters. In fact, I believe this was actually an unpublished prologue that I opted out of posting. However, in the name of nostalgia, I give this to you:

---

 
  I stepped meekly out of the limousine, a spring to my step. The world seemed to be a beautiful fantasy land that was all at my feet. I spun around while I waited for the others to step out, letting my shouldercoat flutter against the brush of air. The night was chilly, maybe fifty-seven or fifty-eight degrees. I really wished that it would colder, though, so that it could snow.
    Jimmy and Compent stepped out of the car as well, each in their own particular style. Jimmy stepped carefully whilst rubbing his palms together and shivered at the sudden change in temperature. Compent stomped angrily, and sneered at the frosty wind, swearing under his breath.
    “Hurry up, sillies!” I cooed, my voice more bubbly than usual. “We’re gonna miss the party!” I bounced around as Jimmy rolled his eyes.
    “The party lasts for six hours…” Jimmy sighed. “I honestly doubt we’ll miss it…”
    “Well we’ll be late, then…” I said, skipping around in a circle.
    “You’re certainly…eccentric tonight…” Compent jeered quietly.
    “I’m not sure why…” I retorted, stopping my little dance. “Maybe it’s because of all those new shipments coming in next month-”
    “You mean the shipments of comics and games?’ Jimmy said excitedly.
     “What else?” I said joyously.
    “Oh, man, I can’t wait for that…”
    “It was good of our Lord-and-Master to request them…” I nodded in agreement.
    We then began to walk down the little narrow street. I was skipping in front, and Leachim and Compent trailed along behind me. The two made mindless chitchat, but I ignored it. We continued to walk along the tiny little street, so tiny that a car couldn’t turn in it. Towering apartment buildings sat on either side, increasing the intense, claustrophobic feel to the little alley.
    Every once in a while I spotted a poorly hidden Caprinotz member, probably distractions. No doubt there was some poor, distinguished sharpshooter sitting in the darkness of an alley…kneeling inside a dumpster…armed to the teeth with weapons.
    We soon came to a large open area, with maybe three different alleyways leading into it. On the far right side was a stone bridge that overlooked the street below, separating the higher class from the lower…and on the far left of the little courtyard was a door that I knew lead to the backroom of the old ballroom. What? I never use the main entrance. I mean, the paparazzi used to be fine…but when they started asking all of that boring political rights stuff I stopped using the front door. I hate political talk.
    I raced over to the door, but then suddenly I heard something. It was sort of muffled barrage of shouts, and I stopped. My ears fixated on the odd sound, I concentrated to make it out.
    “What is it, Money?” Jimmy asked calmly.
    “Get in, Moneyboy, it’s winter out here…” Compent snapped. I walked slowly over to the little bridge on the far side of the courtyard where the sounds seemed to be coming from.
    “Do you hear that?” I asked quietly. “It sounds like…chanting…”
    “I honestly couldn’t care less, so shut up and get inside-” Compent sneered.
    “No, no…” Jimmy began, shushing Compent. “…I hear it too…”
    Compent and Jimmy walked over to the old Masonic bridge with me, the chanting getting less muffled with every step. As my dancing shoes hit the stone floor with a  delicate tap, I hurried Compent and Jimmy over with a gesture. Together we looked down and saw something that even we had never seen before.
    There, in the streets was a crowd of maybe forty or fifty people. Each of them were carrying signs and chanting something along the lines of “Give it back, Give us back”. When they saw us, their chants only increased in volume. Some people began to throw water balloons at us, but we were too high up for them to reach us. I laughed a quaint little giggle when the balloons only fell back and soaked the people, which seemed to only make people angrier.
    “It’s a protest…” Jimmy gasped.
    “Why I should-”
    “Hold it, Compent…” I snapped, grabbing his wrist. I turned around and faced the wall of many alleyways, scanning for the darkest alley I could find…and nodded. I made a motion with my index finger, and spoke.
    “Roland…come here a minute…”
    Roland stepped out of the darkness, his austere black jacket making his head look disembodied. He wore a belt riddled with guns and weapons, and he had big, thick army boots. His dark, ebony hair was slicked over his dark, sunken eyes. My God, he had to be at least thirty now, right? This job was seriously taking a toll on his previously dashing good looks.
    “Yes, my liege…” he whispered, obviously irritated with my finding him.
    I giggled. “You’re getting too predictable, Rolly-chan…” He grimaced. He hated my cute little Japanese nickname for him…but I was an Elite, so there wasn’t much he could do about it.
    “Hello, Roland…” Jimmy nodded his head courteously, and Roland did the same.
    “Good day, my lord…” he smiled.
    “You’re looking well this night…”
    “Thank you, sir…and may I just say-”
    “Let’s save the chitchat for later…” I rolled my eyes, then narrowed them at the crowd below. We were at such a vantage point that they couldn’t see our beloved Roland. I gave the crowd a snide look as I knew that would make them angrier, then turned to the Head Of Security.
    “Roland, do you see that…?” I pointed at the protestors, he closed his eyes in slight aggravation. “Do you know what it is?”
    “I believe it is a protest, sir…”
    “Yes, indeed. Tell me, is it legal in the great Dubbel D Empire to petition or protest the government?”
    “No, I do not believe so, young lord-”
    “Well then, if that is the case, why are your men not breaking up this little rebellion assembly?”
    Roland composed himself, and cleared his throat. I waited patiently for his response…my fake, frothy smile plastered on my face…a technique I learned from my Master.
    “Well…sir…we are under strict orders to protect you…and to never allow you out of our sight…”
    “And breaking up a mere protest two feet away from us will ruin your buzz?”
    “It creates a distraction. We, as Caprinotz, are trained to ignore all distractions-”
    “But you are also trained to obey the every will and command of the great Dubbel D’s Cat, no?”
     He sighed. “Yes, my liege…”
     “Good, now get down there and break some spines…” I smiled nonchalantly, my odd bubbly voice coming back to me. Roland sighed and slumped back into the darkness, a faint sound of whispering wind fading out his exit
     “…The Great Dubbel D will be angry…” he warned from afar.
    “I’m her cat, she couldn’t bear to be mad at me…” I shrugged happily. It had taken me years to perfect this cute little shrugging technique. Roland disappeared, and Compent finally lost his tense pose. The three of us walked back over to the center of the bridge, where a fancily decorated pavilion stood triumphant above the angry scum that stood below us…people screamed slurs and bad language at us. Men screamed at me that they were going to make me their you-know-what, women made harsh comments at our appearances, and a couple of people even spat at us.
    “Did you have to tell him to break some spines?” Jimmy asked meaningfully. “I mean, I know they broke the law…but couldn’t we simply bruise them up a bit…?”
    “It’s the only way they’ll learn…” I replied.
    “The only way they’ll learn?! Money, that’s ridiculous!”
    “Speak for yourself…I think that if I was suddenly reduced to a paraplegic, I’d make a mental note not to protest again…” Compent spat on a few people and they continued their chants.

    “GIVE IT BACK, GIVE US BACK!” They all shouted in terrible unison, their voices cracking at the volume of their voices.

    “Those stupid little ninnies-” I laughed. “They were so focused on making up a clever chant they completely forgot to make their point come across…” I rolled my eyes and looked back on my companions “…I have absolutely no idea what they’re protesting…”
    Jimmy shook his head at the rebel rousers, and I rested my hands on the barrier of the bridge.
    “What are you idiots protesting!?” Compent roared at them, but they didn’t listen. It was only a few minutes before Roland and the rest of the Caprinotz arrived in their intimidating black cars and fifteen layers of protective clothing. Roland was the first to approach the protest. Some of the people stopped and met him halfway, but others continued to chant, but more quietly.
     “Hello…” Roland said in an unfriendly manner to the leader of the protest, a plump young woman with huge owl glasses. Her hair was pulled back in a weird bow that was shaped like a bear, and her shirt displayed the same chant the people were shouting on both sides.
    “What do you and your people want?” she said, supreme confidence overflowing her words. I laughed at her, but nobody heard.
    “Miss, are you aware-” Roland began loudly so that everyone could hear. “-That it is illegal in Dubbel D’s Empire to protest in any shape, way, form, or fashion?” His cold eyes met her, and she shrugged.
     “I am very aware, sir…but I am also aware that this piece of crap land is no country, it’s a full fledged tyranny…now I‘ve been-”
    “I do not care what you’ve been, Miss…” Roland snapped. “What I care about is what you are…and as of now, you are holding an illegal protest and you are under arrest for violation of the Citizens Code-”
    “You can’t stop this, you know-” The lady jeered, her nose touching his. “…locking citizens up will never solve these problems, Dubbel D’s Empire will fall, and you will-”

    Her sentence was interrupted when Roland broke her neck with a swift, carefully aimed jab.

    All hell broke lose in the streets below. The protestors attempted to assault the Caprinotz, those little idiots. Within a minute at least half of the people were either bleeding, broken, bruised, or all of the above. Some of the protestors attempted to flee, but they were all shot with tranquilizers and dragged over to a huge pile where they stacked the barely conscious people and read them what little rights they had.
    Some of the people began to scream for help…for some odd reason they thought someone would come. Every one of them moaned for a savior, for a light, for forgiveness and salvation…and I barked a loud laugh at their obnoxiously ridiculous hope. Compent began to cuss at them and Jimmy politely asked a few officers to take the most injured people to the hospital before they were sent to their possible execution.
     When it was all said and done, a few ratty old ambulances came and lazily threw a few people in the back of their vehicles. Roland checked the pulses, at least one person had died. At In the end, the Caprinotz flung the injured protestors into the backs of their cars. There soon came a point where there wasn’t enough room for any more of the offenders.
    “Throw them in the trunks…” Roland sighed, taking notes about the crime scene.
    “What if they suffocate on the way to the courthouse?”
    “Drive fast”
    I stayed for most of the scene, but after they had to start beating people who tried to crawl out of the trunks I became overwhelmingly bored, and walked off. Jimmy followed, and Compent spat at the scene below and followed.
    Jimmy sighed. “Do you ever think that maybe all of this…is wrong?”
    “What’s so wrong about it?’ I asked. “They know the law just as well as we do…If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t have moved here…”
   “…Idiots…” Compent mumbled. I smiled at him, and patted Jimmy on the back.
    “C’mon…” I said softly to the both of them. “We have a party to go to…” and all of our boring political thoughts were lost just as soon as I opened the doors to the massive ballroom.
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Re: Very Important Historic Material (Berserk Ramblings War Fanfic)

Post by The Villain of Scams on Tue Feb 28, 2017 6:04 pm

I hope this is archived forever.
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